I really hate writing resumes. But after the millionth or so fuck up with the payroll office of my current job, I think it is time I move on to someplace where pay checks are issued on regularly scheduled dates. My check was supposed to be issued on the 31st- it is now over a week late.

So as I am typing up my resume I am pondering all the crap jobs I’ve had. There was the horrible pathology lab where we got billing statements in plastic biohazard bags because some hapless lab tech had spilled a vial of god-knows-what on it. There was the job I had for an international company that I really liked, except that one of the sales reps was married to the boss and had a tendency to have screaming tantrums for no fucking reason whatsoever. You couldn’t complain either- she actually said “You’ll do it because I’m sleeping with your boss” to me.

And then there was the temp job where I met Deek and the Hoopty of the week was started. We were cubicle hamsters and to alleviate the boredom I was fond of starting rubber band wars and throwing bottle tops at co-workers. Someday I will have to tell the story of the “Y’all don’t think I got a stack o’spreadsheets up under my desk” .

If any of you are still out there- hit me with your most craptastic job stories. Did you have to watch your boss change out of his gym clothes because he was to lazy to shut his office door (really happened) or listen to the same boss fuck his wife loudly on the stairs outside my office.

Hit me!

First- I climbed this all the way to the top

And this is what it looks like from the top.
And this is turtles having sex

And this is the ass of a spider monkey (sorry for the blurry- they are fast little buggers)

May I present for your viewing enjoyment- the pimpalicious, bling-bling, ghettofabulous short bus.

Now I must sing about it to the tune of “My Milkshake” by Kellis.

My hooptie brings all the boys to the yard.
Thats right, it’s better than yours.
That’s right, it’s better than yours
I could drive you, but I’d have to charge.

Isreal is bombing the fuck out of Lebannon, Castro is on his death bed and Mel Gibson is proved to be an anti- semetic asswipe.

Yet none of these things are even slightly surprising.

Instead I will give you the Top Ten Funny Things That I Know About Mexico

1. In Merida- you can totaly outrun the police in a slow speed chase if you want to avoid the “gringo tax”.
2. Agua Caliente (or hot water) advertised by hotels is usually a myth.
3. Bisteak (steak) is not always beef. But I learned that one eating kangaroo in Italy. I think I ate horse tacos in Escarcega.
4. Howler monkeys should be called growler monkeys- they sound like wild boars about to attack.
5. Manzana Lift (apple flavored soda) is the best thing ever. I am starting a campaign to get it sold here.
6. “Ecological Preserve” and “Pristine Jungle” are code words for mosquito farm and malaria breeding grounds.
7. When towns have big signs up warning you about dengue fever and cholera- you should sleep somewhere else.
8. Looking a little like a local (dark hair and very tanned) made a Mexican guy in Villahermosa “Whatever” me when he found out I was not Mexican. (What the fuck- no one whatever’s me- ever)
9. Bugs the size of dessert plates can totally crack a pair of sunglasses when they dive bomb you.
10. Being a slightly drunk gringa will always get you filmed for the giant monitors at baseball games.

I have many stories (and pictures of turtles gone wild) to share with you later, including a fictional tale of revolutionary Zapatista love staring my new imaginary boyfriend, Subcommandante Marcos, as told through post cards.

Buenos Dias!

im in campeche at an internet cafe. the problem with spanish language keyboards is that i am not sure how to shift or put the right punctuation in- so forgive the childlike look of this post.

campeche is awesome. its a little spanish colonial city formerly known for bieng ripe pickins for pirates. im enjoying alot of mexican baseball and i climbed to the top of the ek balalm ruins. my thighs are still paying the price for that one- the stairs are about 4 inches wide but 18 inches tall each.

so far the food has rocked and no travelers stomach for me-yay. in a few days i am off to see the giant head sculptures and monkeys in villahermosa. tonight we are having drinks with one of the campeche piratas baseball players.

hasta luego mis amigos, i have to go pick up my laundry. some nice old lady is washing all of it for me for about 3 dollars. i love having someone else wash my stuff. whoopee.

I’m checking out the map of the Cancun airport to see where I am supposed to meet the Naughty Professor and this is what I run across:

This is service is no longer available since after the hurricane Wilma the airport terminal building number 1 is under remodelation.

I have to wonder what is remodelation? At least I feel better knowing that their english is about as bad as my spanish. I did learn how to say “I have the sneaking suspicion that your mother’s a whore” though. Score one for me.

but we want our girls in nylon burkas when they’re on the beach.

I know I suck. I promise I’ll be back and full o’snark in just a few short weeks (just after August 1st with a tan and a severe tequila hangover).

In the mean time, the DHS has decided that things like the Mule Day parade in Columbia, TN are very important events to guard against the threat of terrorism.

I have actually been to the Mule Day parade in Columbia. I lived there for about 9 months when I broke the iron rule of “never follow a boyfriend to the depths of hell for love”. The Mule Day parade is the ONLY thing happening in the tiny redneck town all year. The town is too small to have a Target- you have to go all the way to Frankin for that. A big night out includes dinner at the Steak and Shake and dancing at the cowboy bar (full of not-real cowboys and girls with big-ass hair). The Saturn plant is close by, but I can’t imagine terrorists deciding that the way to break America is to destroy a small car plant that makes crappy, inexpensive cars with no resale value.

Honestly, a terrorist attack on Columbia might be a boon for the local economy. Think of the tourists who would love to cruise the redneck ground zero. There are legions of southerners who still spend vacations driving around checking out civil war battlefields. This would give them something to see from a war they didn’t lose (yet).

It’s not just that we shouldn’t fund anti-terrorism measures in places with virtually no threat of terrorism, but for the good of the community we might want to encourage terrorists to strike those places.

because it’s summer vacation. But I seem to be having a problem pulling out the clippers and actually giving him a mohawk. Part of it is that he has this beautifully thick, wavy red-blond-brown hair that makes little curls at the nape of his neck and that I can mess up whenever he gets to cheeky. Part of it is fear of him looking like some of the world cup players.

Click pick for more scary hair.

Yeah- we all can’t be perfect little spelling and grammar bitches. Today’s typos rock though.

DeeK was talking about how his favorite planet, hemp, would solve our biofuel problem. Would planet hemp be the planet of the stoners?

But I can’t pick on Deek alone. Oh no- I am nothing if not the queen of typos and premature e-postulation.

for example- Benjamin Franklin didn’t talk about how we scarifce liberty.

So new Giant Cookie Game for this week- instead of guessing song lyrics- the person who finds the most typos from this weeks posts gets the giant cookie of grammar bitchitude. And then they can suck on it.