So I cosigned this with a promise to be better and do better.

And that means coming to terms with something I’ve been struggling with for years.

My mother is disabled, both physically (which is not the problem) and mentally (which I thought was the problem). And I have used some language regarding her behavior that is down right offensive to other people with mental illness.

At first I justified it with reclamation (at least I did in my own head)as “well shit, I’m prone to bouts of serious depression and anxiety, so I should be able to use terms like crazy and nutbag”.

But that’s just abelist justification and doesn’t fly.

Then the angry inner child in me threw a temper tantrum with “but how the fuck else would you explain a person who does that to her own daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Then at some point I read something about George Sondini in comments somewhere. People were speculating on whether he had Asperger’s syndrome. And some brilliant commenter wrote (and I’m paraphrasing cause I can’t remember where it was) “Oh please, assholery is not a symptom of Aspergers”.

And that’s the kicker.

Mom very likely has borderline personality disorder, which makes her feel things that aren’t true. (She refuses to be treated and runs away from diagnoses- but she has most if not all of the markers for it.

That explains her feelings, it does not excuse her actions. And her actions are what I have issues with. And that should be what I focus on, not her mental illness.

This has taken me months, years maybe, to separate. Just like Aspergers doesn’t cause assholery, BDP is not a reason for abuse. Finally having a name for what is wrong with my mother gave me the liberty to free myself from her 6 years ago, so separating out the abelist shit felt a wee bit like backtracking on my hard won freedom. But it’s not. Separating the disease from the abuse means no more excuses.

So I will no longer use terms like “off her rocker fucking crazy” or “serious nutbag” to describe her actions or the actions of those who are being douchebags. I will use the plethora of descriptive terms to describe her actions that DO NOT involve causing harm to completely unrelated people who suffer from mental illness. I will use words like malicious, vindictive, abusive, opportunistic, manipulative, hurtful, spiteful, or just plain mean. They all accurately describe things without the added bonus of bigotry.

I apologize to anyone who I have hurt with my language. I promise I will be better and do better in the future.

I’m not always great about recognizing ableist language, either coming out of my mouth or someone else’s.

But that’s my problem, one for me to work on, because I am an ally. It is my job to think before I speak (or type) and stop myself from using words that harm people unintentionally. Intent to harm is not required to be an asshole.

And because I am an ally I cosign this with the extra promise that I will work harder to recognize ablism in myself and to smack down others who use ableist language on my blog or in my presence.

H/t to Ouyang Dan

From another brilliant email from the lovely Gidget Commando (I’d totally do her taxes!)

I just posted over at Echidne on the following when it came up in a serious post about some DC shenanigans. Thought you would appreciate:

Why is a word for male genitalia synonymous with strength and courage while a word for female genitalia is synonymous for weakness and cowardice?

The last time I checked, a “pussy” could–without any prior strength training or conditioning–squeeze a full-term infant out of a passageway usually no bigger around than the average adult human schwang. “Balls,” on the other hand, retreat up into the body cavity at nothing more frightening than the application of cold water.

I rest my case.
Gidget Commando

Seriously peeps- pussies push babies out. Kinda opposite of weak. For the dudes- can you imagine pushing 5 to 10 (or more) pounds out of your ass?

Didn’t think so.

Darling OtherCousin* has neglected to do her taxes for many many years. In her defense, she is disabled and thought that Social Security and payments from a disability settlement are not taxable. (uhmmm no)

I am not afraid of taxes. Mountains of math and scary paperwork do not send me running for the hills, because I know a secret**.

Taxes are complicated (only if you have money) not to screw people with money out of it, but to give people with money a thousand tiny ways to pay less in taxes. The lower on the totem pole you go wage wise, the simpler your tax forms get. The higher up, the more complicated. I’ve filled out an alphabet soup of schedules and a number pie of forms.

So with the IRS looming, I’ve spent the last few days bogged down in paperwork just so we can prove that OtherCousin does not owe the IRS 200k and the life blood of her first born child. And after all that work we came up with the best number we could hope for.

Zero. Nada, zilch. No taxes owed. Nothing to see here.

Now we just have to do the same for 2006-2008, and get her better at saving receipts for 2009.

(OtherCousin* would be Wonder’s sister.)

**Also- I have superhero powers at wading through bureaucracy. I’ve out HUDed housing authorities and out FDIC’d bankers. I almost made a bank manager cry once. No shit.

go sign the petition Bitchez!

Teaspoons ahoy and all that.

Everybody on this list:

Fuck you.

No, seriously, fuck you.

I’m pretentious movie snob. I not only know who most of you are, but I’m you’re prime fricken audience. (Except you Woody Allen, I’ve thought you were a douche since forever). I love subtitles and subtext. I like complicated plots with no clear happy ending. I will pay money to see that shit, but I won’t step foot in a theater to see to see whatever ode to American machismo is playing at the moment (see Apatow, Judd).

I’m now going to take a page from Tiger Beatdown. I won’t spend one thin dime to see a movie any of you all make. Oh I’ll still get my fill of foreign drama and intellectually challenging stories from you all. But you ain’t gonna see a penny of profit from it.

Because I don’t give money to rapists, and I don’t give money to rape apologists.

And really y’all, have you read the vicitm’s deposition? It wasn’t statutory rape- it was rape -rape, contrary to Whoopie’s POV. She was a little girl, she was drugged and drunk, and she said no. She asked him to take her home, she lied about having asthma to get away from him. He ignored her. She said no to kissing, and he kissed her any ways. She said no to oral sex, and he did it anyways. She said no vaginal sex, and he did it anyways. She said no to anal sex and he did it anyways.

And then he plead guilty to rape, because he IS guilty of rape.

So all you other talented artists can now complain about how your rape apologism for another talented artist has robbed you of some much needed cash. I bet more than a coupleof you will be whinging about how us puritanical Americans are “raping you” by downloading your movies without paying.

But like I said at the beginning- fuck all y’all.

And P.S. to Sam Mendes and Darren Aronofsky- I’m thrilled to bits to not see your wives names on that list.

P.P.S. Kevin Smith and the guy from Heroes are getting all my cash from now on. I don’t care if Smith is directing toilet scrubber commercials, I will buy a warehouse full of toilet scrubbers. Because it is that important to me that rapists not be allowed to get away with rape.

but I’ve been raped.

I also know lots of women who have been raped, none of them have met the scary rapist in the bushes either.

The men who hurt women and girls are rarely the kind of men we expect to hurt women and girls. They aren’t ugly monsters who live under bridges. They are brilliant film makers or much loved musicians. They are men you would be proud to know. They are men that you call “friend” or “father” or “husband” or “brother” or “son”. They are “nice guys” or “genius” or “determined” or “ambitious” or “talented” or any number of other adjectives we use to describe men we like. They are pastors and teachers and doctors and judges. They are men with power over someone.

It is long past time when we let go of the idea that only certain types of men are rapists, the scary dark alley kind. My rapists wasn’t a scary dark alley type, he was a much loved musician type.

Until we start seeing a thing for what it is, we cannot figure out how to stop it. Rape is an act committed by someone with power over someone else. That’s it. It doesn’t require the rapist to be creepy looking or boogeymannish.

cannot and should not ever make them “illegal”.

It goes against the laws of physics. It goes against human rights. It goes against every strain of morality I can think of.

A person exists, regardless of what boundaries are drawn on a map or checkpoints they have crossed. A person’s mere existence cannot be illegal.

70 percent of child support cases in this country are in arrears. That means 70 percent of non custodial parents owe back child support. In some states, 50 percent of custodial parents haven’t seen a single child support payment in the last twelve months.

I’m one of them. Kid’s dad owes over $40k in back support, and his monthly payment isn’t huge, just $328. That’s not even close to half of what it costs to raise the kid. But hey, if his dad paid that much every month we wouldn’t be homeless, in debt (my total debt is way less than $10k)or needing to rely on public assistance.

As much as I would love to blame dead beat parents alone for the failures of the current child support system, when you have a 70 percent failure rate it is the system that is failing, and not the individuals in that system.

It’s been more than a decade since Bill Clinton included child support reforms in with welfare reform, and despite mandatory employment reporting and better information sharing between states, we still have a 70 percent failure.

So I am glad to see that someone is talking about it.

But- and this is a big ass but- as long as women and children are still seen as property instead of people by their exes, reform will be difficult. How do you make a fair parenting system when one half of a couple thinks they own the other half? How do you get kids the things they need in life when non-custodial parents ignore them at best, and are abusive and dangerous at worst?

And would all of this be moot if we, as a society, looked at the raising of children as a necessary job for the good of society and provided the resources to do that job well, instead of looking at children as the property of their parents not dissimilar to an automobile. Why are some kids left to rust on blocks in the yard when one of their parents walks away?

one to complain about obscenity on tv. I will bitch about the way women and and non-white, non-straight, non-ablebodied people are represented, but obscenity, wevs. Janet Jackson’s nipple didn’t bother me.

That said- Tom Delay on Dancing with the Stars is gross. And I don’t watch the show, but every single news channel has posted a clip. And MY EYES! OMG MY EYES! I feel like I need a bleach bath and a thousand hours of masterpiece theater to rid me of the terrible image of Tom Delay in brown polyester pants trimmed with leopard print and sequins shaking his gross ass and lip synching to Wild Thing.

I am traumatized, peeps. Trau-Ma-Tized. It’s been several days and I still can’t erase the horror from my memory.

I should totes put a trigger warning on this post for anyone else who has been traumatized by Delay. He looks like the dirty old man stereotype. He gives me nightmares. For the love of god, please someone stop him before he tangos again.